The wheels were already set in motion. We’d been talking about this for what felt like an eternity. Staying together in Florida was predetermined months before when things were still PG…mostly. The intention was to be innocent, but I’m curious if you ever really believed that it would be..or that you ever really believed it could be. Either way, the tension between us became palpable when you typed the words “the feeling is mutual” next to mine. I thought for awhile that maybe I was making up stories in my head again, how could a man who’s marriage seems so shiny and neat on the outside be willing to step out of it to enjoy me even for a minute. Or rather I knew WHY a man would want to enjoy me, but why would he want to risk his perfect little life for it? Was I that tantalizing? Sometimes I forget my own magic when the person aching for it is one I never saw coming.
I wish I could say my attraction to you was purely sexual, but I am well past just physical and so deeply in the emotional that I was mostly surprised when you said you wanted to be intimate. Well..intimate in a physical way. Our friendship has been emotionally intimate for a long time now. All the check ins when I was low and the FaceTime dates when you’re out of town. Drinking together at night; even in different houses we are able to create a connection to each other that feels close. Close in a way that best friends usually aren’t. Close in a way that only lovers know and yet, we weren’t lovers. I’m not the only one who can see it, even when we are out in the world total strangers can see what we are unintentionally projecting. To this day still can’t even say with certainty that we aren’t lovers, but maybe we are something else entirely and it feels otherworldly. Feels like the day it ends is the day my world might stop.
I can’t even begin to describe how it felt to finally be laying next to you for longer than a little bit. My body felt like melting butter pressing up against yours. Safe enough to be soft and warm enough to feel every inch of my skin fiercely hoping you’d touch it. Run your fingers across the entire surface of my body like they’d been missing it their whole life. I hadn’t imagined it would be this easy, that we’d be this comfortable so quickly, but it didn’t seem to surprise you. I loved that I could sense that on you. Sense that you’d wanted to lay this close for a long time too. The way it was so easy for you to wrap your body around mine, your leg over mine tying our feet together and both arms enclosed around my torso so tightly that the heat I felt rising in my pussy became overwhelmingly distracting. We’d only been like this for a few minutes..it could have been hours, I’m no longer sure, but it was like time was moving in slow motion and I wanted it to stop entirely. Wanted to stay so present in this moment and every moment that followed in that hotel room. I had no idea what it would do to us, but I didn’t care. I wanted whatever it was, the feelings, the thought loops, the questions and answers you were so willing to give, the tension and passion. God the passion was something I underestimated, but it’s undeniable. For seven nights we would live in this fantasy together…and every night after I’d wish we had just one more.
As we laid there holding each other barely sleeping just in and out in turns I felt the strangest sense of calm nerves. Like I was fighting tooth and nail to not turn around and kiss you. Pretending that I hadn’t been wet for hours knowing you pulled your body slightly away from mine so I wouldn’t feel how hard you were behind me. I wondered how long we could stay like this. How long we could hold on to just cuddling and who would break first. I desperately didn’t want it to be me. I needed it to be you. Needed it to be your choice, because somehow that made it okay. Or more okay. I didn’t know, but in my mind it’s just the way it had to be. I needed an unequivocal yes from you before I could give my body what it had been craving since we got in bed. And then I thought, what if it’s not everything we have been imagining it would be? I don’t know how much thought you put into it after that first kiss.. or the second and third when I made sure it didn’t go further, but I know how much I did. How often my thoughts wandered to being able to kiss you with more passion and more hunger than just a peck. I might have been devastated if it wasn’t that. If it was anything less than what I had daydreamed about. It wasn’t.
I don’t know how we got there. I don’t know how you caught me red handed in a spot I couldn’t keep hidden, but you took every advantage once you found my weakness. With one had twisted in mine and the other wrapped around my waist you started to gently caress my body. Down toward the band on my panties and then up through the middle of my breasts, across my collar bone and back down again. Each time you’d come up you’d get a little higher, your hand piercing through the collar of your shirt, gently touching my cheek and my neck and I can’t hold my breath any longer. It shutters and you notice. Keeping steady soft motions up and down my body, my skin on fire with each cycle you make. I can feel myself dripping down my thigh. My pussy pulsing and telling me that this is so much more intensity than it was ready for, but neither of us are upset about it. I’m trying to stay out of my head. Trying not to wonder why you’re doing this. Trying desperately to stay right there with you because I don’t want to be anywhere else. My legs curl up, toes gripping the sheets and your gentle fingers send pleasure racing through my body. You’re watching me. I can feel your eyes. I knew you were visual but this is on a level that I couldn’t have imagined. You’re taking everything in. You see my every movement and your reaction just makes me want it more. My eyes are closed as your hand wraps itself around my neck for the first time and I exhale so heavy when you press down to close my throat. I can’t breathe, literally and figuratively. I feel my body fight and then slide my feet down and relax into the sensation and pressure. I can’t say how it felt for you, but for me it was like an out of body experience. Like I left it for a second and was struggling to get back inside my own skin. I wanted so much more than this, but I also didn’t need it right now. The longer you kept it up the harder it became to control myself. I could have came. I honestly wanted to. I have had a lot of mens hands around my neck, but never that of one I trusted so implicitly. I didn’t have to worry that you wouldn’t stop if I asked, didn’t have to think about anything, I could just enjoy it for what it was. My arm now wrapped backwards around your neck and my hand in your hair. I turned my face, cheeks hot into your neck so you could feel my breath on you as you played with it. Taking it and giving it back, a power you are reveling in. I’d learn this is one of your favorite kinds of power over me. We hadn’t even kissed yet, not here anyway. We didn’t need to, right here in this moment, this was enough. I don’t think I’d have been able to handle more, how does one small act feel that good? But it wasn’t small, allowing you, without hesitation, to choke me is not small for me. For it to be the first intimate act we shared together makes it even less so. It was like we bypassed all the smaller acts because we knew we could.
I could have stayed in that moment forever. Could have froze that moment in some kind of time loop and replayed it over and over for the rest of my life. And then you paused and our eyes met when you asked if I needed you to stop. I didn’t want to say yes, I didn’t want you to stop, but I did need you to. I needed to actually breathe for a second. You had me in an insatiable bliss I had never experienced with a partner. But I needed to clear my head enough to understand what just happened. I couldn’t. Talk about impossible. The only information you could offer when I asked why you did it was “because you wanted to” and just hearing those words made my body surge with so much pleasure. Even thinking about it while I write has me right back in it. The words felt so good coming off your lips. I wanted you to want me in a way I’d never wanted anyone to want me. In the worst way and I didn’t care if it was wrong, I needed it as much as I needed the air you took out of my lungs that night. In all my story telling I had assured myself that you didn’t and never would. Told my self over and over that there was no way you’d see the risk of it and cross the line regardless of how badly we both wanted it and yet, here we were. So willingly across the line together and there was no sign of slowing the train down.
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